Oh my god, I am so sorry, Tiddly. She was in town and I let it slip my mind. I completely forgot about it. I wanted to get you some pictures.

There's a doctor in town who has a white leather couch in his waiting room. If you want, I can ask him if he'll let me set up my camera there. Let me know.
For the love of god, man, do you not own a calendar? How could this happen?

Fortunately, I have seen her naked. It's no substitute for a concert, but it means you can use a cheap camera (no wide-angle shots = disposable!! bonus!!).

The only shrink in the Cowichan Lake area (since you refuse to admit you live in Duncan) with a white leather couch is, according to the most recent census, Dr. Hoogabooga. You think he is a doctor? Ha. It is to laugh. He is, if you need a good taxidermist, a good taxidermist. He is not a doctor.

Do not, I repeat DO NOT pay that quack. Okay, fondle his couch. Leather is leather. But Dr. so-called Hoogabooga will produce close-ups of his wife, Wanda, in a thong with strech marks and tell you that they are photos of our beloved Rita.

Examine these photos closely. Are there tattoos? Sketches of lobsters over a Tim Horton's background? If so, these are the true Rita. If not, and I suspect you will be disappointed, then you are viewing candid photos of a hirsute Wanda. Extra nipples? That's Wanda. Appears to be choking on a furball? Several Greek-like individuals investigating her cavities? Wanda, I'm afraid.

Sorry to disappoint, Mr. Loot, but better you suffer these indignities on the internet than one-on-one.

I might be wrong about that.
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