Terrible, terrible things

Woo! Look at me, I'm a trend-follower! Here are the twenty sexiest people I can think of at a moment's notice. Like my musical taste, be prepared for eclecticism.


WOMEN

Jodie Foster - Yes, just like Hinckley! Take that, Secret Service pigs. Rumor has it that Jodie is gay. Rumor also has it that I don't care. We'll never have sex anyway (and I wouldn't darling, I swear!) and I'm allowed to look regardless.

Melissa Etheridge - There's nothing physically special about her that I can think of. It's attitude, baby. Attitude. She's a short little ball of fire who could probably beat the shit out of me. I like kick-ass women. I fell in love with her at a concert before she came out of the closet.

Helen Hunt - What the hell is it with me and gay women? I've heard the same rumors about her as Jodie, and don't have a clue if it's true or not. Ask me if I care. Anyway, maybe I like her because she reminds me of Jodie. She's got those same eyes that can bore through steel.

Nicole Kidman - Woah. Just woah. Any one of her attributes will turn a plain woman into a beauty. Hair. Eyes. Lips. Accent. Figure. Religion. No... scratch that last one.

Anne Archer - Proof that crows-feet can be sexy. Also, Scientologist #2. DAMN, she must be a twit in real life. I've been careful not to read or watch any interviews with either Anne Archer or Nicole Kidman so I can hold on to my illusions of intelligence.

Xxxx Xxxxxxxx - This space reserved for the next famous kick-ass gay Scientologist woman to come along. Apparently that's my thing. Man am I fucked up.

Diane Neal - She plays ADA Casey Novak on Law & Order SVU. I can't explain this one. She's funny-looking, like a squirrel hiding nuts in its cheeks. But I think she's cute and it's my list. And yes, dear, I'd still watch the show if she weren't on it. I just watch it more closely now, that's all.

Loreena McKennitt - She's certainly not perfect, nor glamorous. She has flaws, not the least of which is that she looks a lot like Glenn Close. But that voice. That hair. Those beautiful Renaissance dresses. Yeee!

Liv Tyler - It shows my age that I feel like a dirty old man including her. But she may be the only other well known woman who can compete with Nicole Kidman. I'm not even sure she's real. I'm pretty sure that it would take too long to airbrush every single frame of every movie she's been in, but you never know. What gets me is that her dad's genes can look so good in a woman.

Mrs. Galoot - My blog, my rules. I get to include one non-famous woman if I want. She has the richest voice, loveliest hair, most beautiful eyes, best kick-ass attitude and greatest body on the planet. Unfortunately, Mrs. Galoot isn't a cultist, so she's not perfect.


MEN

Denzel Washington - Golly! I don't, but if I did it would be with Denzel.
Jeff Goldblum - Big, dark, self-effacing, geeky, seemingly intelligent... pretty good.
Nicholas Cage - Except, maybe, the Nick Cage in Bringing Out the Dead.
Antonio Banderas - When he's not being "hot" but just a regular guy.
Melissa Etheridge - I fell in love with him at a concert.
Samuel Jackson - Except, maybe, the Samuel Jackson in Pulp Fiction.
Andy Garcia - I dunno. Do I need to explain all of them?
John Cleese - He wasn't the gay one, but this is just make-believe.
Kevin Spacey - He smells pretty.
Tommy Lee Jones - I'm not even going to try to justify this one. You already think I'm a sicko, and I'm reaching to fill out ten anyway. So deal with it.