Well, I finally have my days and nights turned around. If you're ever in a situation where you must swap the night shift for days in a hurry, here are some tips.

   Day 1: Stay up as long as possible. For example, if you're used to going to bed at 6:00am and getting up at 2:00 in the afternoon, don't. Stay up until 11:00 that evening. Leave instructions with the kids to wake you immediately if you keel over and fall down the stairs. No, no hospitals - they'll drug you unconscious and further wreck your schedule.

   Day 2: Well, that didn't work, did it? You fell asleep at eight-o'clock in the morning instead of at six. Wow. You're two hours closer to your goal. At this rate you should hit your 11:00pm target in just over a week. Not good enough. Maybe try going to bed earlier. Instead of 6:00am, hit the sheets at your target time right off the bat.

   Day 2 1/3: You've been laying there watching the stars drift past your window for two hours. Still not sleepy.

   Day 2 2/3: Finally starting to drift off. Ahhh... blissful sleep. It's 4:00am, but soon you'll be right on schedule. Just one more...

Shit! You've got to go pee. Ignore it. Think about something else, quick! Song lyrics: "The tide is high..." no. "Somebody bring me some water..." no. "Love is like oxygen. You get too much it makes you high..." Alright. It's working. "...not enough and it bonds with hydrogen to make water..." Shit!

Okay. Fine. Get up and pee, but try not to come to full consciousness. Repeat "I will not wake up fully, I will not wake up fully" to yourself as you... ahhhhhh! Quick, back to bed.

   Day 2 5/6: You're wide awake with Sweet lyrics running through your head. You can't remember if they did any relaxing ballads. Get up and try again tomorrow.

   Day 3: It's 11:00pm. Lie still. Perfectly still. Focus on your breathing. In... out... in... out... in... [cough] (ignore that!) in again... out... (don't pay attention to the itch) in... out... in... (what if it's a bug?) out... in... out... (it might be a spider) in out in out in out (a really fast spider) inoutinoutinoutin (crawling up your leg) ARGH!!! Scratch the damned thing. Better. Just a bit of fuzz from the blanket. It figures.

Roll over. Don't look at the clock. Just don't. Breathe. Relax all the muscles in your body. You're a plank... a nice relaxed plank... That's stupid. You're a jellyfish... a nice... naw, they're yucky. You're a... potato. Yeah. A vegetable. A nice relaxed potato. Oh, man, it's working! It's...

Shit. You got too excited. Woke yourself up. Glance at the clock. It's 11:08pm. Bah.

   Day 4: Drugs. There are some expired sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet. 1998 wasn't *that* long ago, was it?

   Day 6: It's 7:30am on day five and you've just awakened. Yes! The pills worked! Your wife is asleep beside you. Do something special. Get the kids up and off to school yourself and let her sleep in. Alright. They're out the door. Make a nice breakfast, put it on a tray, tip toe back up the stairs...

Eh? The kids are back already? What do you mean it's Saturday? I SLEPT 32 FUCKING HOURS?!?! Stupid god damned frigging stupid god friggin' damned friggin' stupid expired pills! Sorry kids. Go back to bed.

   Day 7 (or whatever): Congratulations. You're on schedule. That wasn't so bad.
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